Week 3: Record

That lid's rattling. It's rattling a lot actually.  
Did I add enough water?
Too much maybe.
I'll have a look at it after I've turned the chickens over.

Yeah, they look ok. 
HOT.
Don't lick your fingers or you'll get food poisoning.
Shitting all week.
Again. Ha, what a dick.

Is that burning? Hold on.
Where's the tea towel? 
Ok lets have a look.
Whoa... there's loads. 
Give it a stir. It's sticking. Fuck it's sticking.
Might have to get another pan out. Check that chicken too.

Bloody hell there's loads. I'll need to boil the kettle again.
Right lets split it.
I'll put half in this one, and leave this pot as is.
Turn the kettle on. 
There's too much for this pan. I'll get that other one out too.
The big one. Yeah, that'll do. It's clean too, great.

Ok, careful now, pour it in.
Looks like porridge. 
Looks like rice pudding.
Because it is rice you dick.
Dick.
Concentrate. Ok, half.
Wait, that's half of that second pot. 
Half and half and half.
How much is there now? Fuck me there's loads.

Get the naans out.
No wait, let's sort this out. Get that other pot down from the top cupboard.
Give it a quick swill first yeah. That's it nice. 
Pop it down there and turn those chicken over again. Quickly. 
Too late. Just turn them down then.
Just take them off the heat actually. Come back to them later.

Who's actually eating tonight? Just me, Ross, Mikey and Helen.
Ok then, I'll take some to work too.
Stop that lid rattling. It's pouring over the top.
Maybe I'll store some in the mugs until the rest is cooked.


The inner monologue of the man who accidentally cooked a world record amount of rice.

Author's note: I apologise for this being the most boring story ever written.